INSTEAD OF 15

If I had been 35 instead of 15

I would not have broken out in hives

Or stared down at the plate of meatloaf my mother just made

I would not have asked "Don't you love her anymore?"

Because I would know you did not

It's just that sometimes husbands get dissatisfied

And hire blonde secretaries who smile at them all day

I would know how wrong, no, how evil it is

For a father to think he needs to tell the kids now

And list out exactly why he is leaving them

If I had been 35, it would have occurred to me

That my mother may be lying on the bathroom floor

Forehead to the tile

I would gone to her, knowing she was not alright

If I had been 35

In the calendars that followed

I would not have let myself become

My mother's best friend, confidant and lover

Or the wild-eyed girl who drank rum and Coke

Driving alone in her Camaro

Every night until graduation and beyond

I would have known that a 15-year-old child

Could not possibly hold a betrayed woman's world together

If I had been 35 instead of 15

I would know it is perfectly acceptable to leave a dinner table

And that love means opening my eyes

Underneath all these men I've slept with

Carolyn Hudson

While CAROLYN HUDSON was growing up, her mother directed the performance arts center at a community college and often invited performers back to the Hudson house. Carolyn remembers surreal moments like laughing with Marcel Marceau in her dining room, watching Jean-Pierre Rampal play his golden flute in their living room and sitting next to Vincent Price at their kitchen table for spaghetti. She is currently a singer/songwriter in Los Angeles working on her second record. Her songs and more poetry can be found at www.carolynhudson.com.